CONVERSATION CONSERVATION

Conversation conservation has been my mission for the day - prompted by the miserable trout on the Police reception desk this morning when I handed in the flick-knife.

I told her the story of where I'd found it etc & whilst she was doing the paperwork I tried to make small-talk: Who on earth is allowed to sell these things? Nasty-looking thing isn't it? I was with my 4yr old boy when I found it, good job he didn't eh?

No joy. She was more interested in the bloke in the queue before me complaining that the hairdresser across the road from his house regularly blocks his driveway on a Friday when it's wheelie-bin day. On the tick-box form she described the item as a 'fancy pen-knife' & asked if I wanted to claim it after the lost-property reclaim period was up.

"Oh yes please! I've always wanted to take up street-fighting! Just ignore my previous conversation about how awful it is! Gimme a call when it's available. And don't give up your day job"

MISERABLE TROUT CONVERSATION RATING: 1/10. Very poor

Then I went to Burton Joyce Hospice Shop (very posh there) & the lady behind the counter completely refused to be drawn into a conversation about buttons & the demise of button-tins over the years. She also refused to see the amusing side of me finding a pair of men's Primark cotton boxer shorts in the tea-towel basket. I think she thought I was stealing things actually. She followed me round like a length of toilet-roll stuck in my knicker elastic.

BURTON JOYCE HOSPICE LADY RATING: 2/10. Could do better

Next stop Sherwood. Six charity shops there that I did the 'button conversation' test with.

SAVE THE CHILDREN LADY: 8/10. Helped me sort the buttons & engaged in general conversation about the weather & children.

MIND SHOP MANAGERESS: 6/10. Shared my interest in buttons but refused to be drawn into conversation about anything else. Didn't take on board the fact that a pair of pink, plastic handcuffs with the words 'Prisoner of Love' was in the children's toy-box section & that it was probably inappropriate.

THE NOTTS SCOUTS' CHARITY SHOP, MALE & FEMALE DOUBLE ACT:10/10. Chatted for about 15 minutes about anything & everything, helped me sort buttons, had many memories to share about button-tins they had known over the years & were wearing woggles. Perfect.

I nearly killed Kevin the cat today by kicking a Lidl carrier bag across the kitchen on my way to the kettle. How the bloody hell was I to know she was sleeping in it?

RANDOM ITEM NO.6

The top off a silver bicycle bell with a flower on top. When I was a kid I had a Magic Roundabout bell