DARREN SCISSORHANDS

Calling all fathers of children under the age of 10 yrs old!

All mothers of children under the age of 10yrs old have certain 'rules' about cutting their hair: This is the main one ..

DO

NOT

CUT

YOUR

CHILD'S

HAIR!

This rule includes taking them to the hairdressers without prior permission from the mother & also attempting to do a Daniel Galvin at home with a butter-knife.

At school today we saw little Joe, Alfie's best mate. His dad decided last night that he needed a few 'layers' putting in his lovely locks. His mum was in tears & had booked an emergency appointment at the barber's. It really was a dreadful haircut - you could SEE the badly chopped layers of fringe (about 4 of them) glinting in the Autumnal sunshine.

I hope everything will be ok. at the school gates tomorrow.

RANDOM ITEM NO. 10

A paint roller

LOST WEEKEND

Friday - Sunday:

One of my most important & valuable charity shop 'finds' (Paul - originally from Whitley Bay, now residing in London) has been up to stay for the weekend.

This is a picture of him on a balcony somewhere reading something - probably a Stanley Gibbons Stamp valuation catalogue, a Miller's Collectables Guide or the Dear Deirdre column in The Sun.

As well as the gaps in this blog, there are also gaps in my memory of the whole weekend & possibly large chunks of my liver in the back yard.

Keywords for the weekend: Champagne, Lulu, Marilyn Monroe, Lidl, IC Discounts, vodka, pear juice, charity shops, Wilko's, Nurofen Plus, full english breakfast/greasy spoon, novelty miniature plastic radios & garden porn.

I can't elaborate - I'm too hungover.

RANDOM ITEM NO. 9

My favourite so far: A shopping list left behind on the Co-Op counter yesterday afternoon.

Written on the back of a Rizla paper ...

Booze

Fanta Fruit Twist

Booze

Booze

Vodka

It could so easily have been our list from Friday night but it wasn't. I know this because they didn't have milk or dog-food on it.

LIDL RICHARD AND HIS BITCH DARREN

Today was Lidl Day! I love Lidl on several counts: Bargains, unusual items & the guys on the check-out.

Richard & Darren were our check-out masters for today. Camp as Christmas & always up for a bit of banter.

As I went up to the tills they were arguing about the correct bar-code for a pomegranate & it looked like it was going to be handbags at dawn.

DARREN: 'Oh shut up! You wouldn't know a pomegranate from a sweet potato'

LIDL RICHARD: (To me) 'Oh take no notice of that bitch! He's 'on'. Now then missy, do you want our lovely brochure featuring our OUTSTANDING Christmas promotions? Ere, stick it in yer basket'

DARREN: 'Don't take anything off him, he's UNCLEAN'

The elderly couple at Darren's till really didn't know what to make of it all & busied themselves putting their obviously impulse purchase of 10 pineapples into carrier bags. That's another thing I like about Lidl - the way your brain just disobeys everything rational. I agree, 59p is a good price for a pineapple but really ........

Me & Paul went one day & the 'for one week only' range of strange goods was snorkelling equipment. Quite cheap it was too. Something you'd like to buy & stuff in the back of a cupboard because you neeever knooooooooooow (& besides, you've never seen flippers THAT cheap .... EVER) I irrationally puchased a sewing machine a few months ago. Can't even thread the damned thing & even if I could, I can't sew.

My favourite item has to be 'Gerodog' dogfood priced 64p. I like the brand-name. It sounds like a command! Presumably if you're buying dogfood you've already 'Goradog' though.

"HELP! WE'VE BEEN BURGLED!"

"GERODOG!"

RANDOM ITEM NO.8

Another television.

HOW CLEAN IS YOUR MOUSE?

Decided to tidy the living-room today in an unprecedented move towards clean living.

I LOATHE housework ... it's all dusters, cleaning products & germ reduction. A waste of calories if you ask me.

Since the telly's in the living room I decided to switch it on for company. Lo & behold, there was an episode of 'How Clean is Your House' being broadcast to the whole nation .. or was it being broadcast ESPECIALLY FOR ME? Paranoia set in & with good reason.

Today's episode was devoted to a lovely lady called Rosie in London who hadn't cleaned her flat for 24yrs. She was addicted to crosswords & reading books instead of EVER bothering to do housework & obviously had a complete mental block about the whole thing (her dad was a Health Inspector apparently & according to Kim & Aggie would be turning in his grave)

I do like Kim & Aggie, they make me laugh. But really, this lady wasn't 'lazy' or 'slovenly' - she just had a genuine aversion to cleaning/tidying due to other issues. I could relate to her entirely & felt really quite sorry for her.

She kept her toothbrush & hairbrush in a cutlery drainer in the kitchen & seemed to genuinely not understand why it was a sin according to Kim & Aggie. I went straight into the kitchen & removed my toothbrush from the cutlery drainer & poured half a bottle of bleach into the sink.

As I watched Aggie merrily hoovering dust off Rosie's books (& Kim coming back to the show with some disturbing results from swabbing a plug-hole) I made a grim discovery in the corner next to the coal bucket: A decomposed mouse & a small, yet perfectly formed, cat-turd.

It's a sign from above, I know! Now is the time! I must do more crosswords & start reading again.

RANDOM ITEM NO. 8

The top off a pool table outside the Builder's Trades & Social Club. I NEARLY went back in the van to get it & then gave myself a good talking to. "Don't be bloody stupid woman, you've got no balls"

MY NAME IS BOND .. PREMIUM BOND ..

.. and you've won 50 quid. Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick I suppose.

Went up to the allotment & did bugger all apart from sit in Ahmed's shed & listen to him chatter away for 2hrs. It's 'wood-burning stove' season & his shed was red hot. Honestly, he could grow pineapples in there.

Today's stories centred on his life in Pakistan as a boy & his aversion to shopping.

Apparently he hates shopping & last went to a supermarket in 1979 with his wife Maureen & vowed never to go ever again. As far as I know he's been true to his word.

As a boy he had a disabled pet chicken that couldn't walk properly. He used to hand-feed her & she lived for 12yrs. He was also addicted to raw eggs & stole a dozen a day from his mum's chicken-shed to feed his habit. Ended up at the doctor's with some sort of gastric complaint - no bloody wonder!

His younger brother is a champion pigeon-racer & so far this year he's won a motorbike, a washing machine & a horse. Quite good prizes if you ask me. If you won a pigeon race in the UK you'd probably get a manky brass cup & a Wilkos voucher. He's coming over to visit in December & I'm quite looking forward to it. You can't have too many Ahmeds!

RANDOM ITEM NO.7

A watermelon. Obviously escaped from the fruit display outside Pak-Foods. It had got quite far actually, all the way down to the Co-Op. I was in the van, otherwise I'd have picked it up.

CONVERSATION CONSERVATION

Conversation conservation has been my mission for the day - prompted by the miserable trout on the Police reception desk this morning when I handed in the flick-knife.

I told her the story of where I'd found it etc & whilst she was doing the paperwork I tried to make small-talk: Who on earth is allowed to sell these things? Nasty-looking thing isn't it? I was with my 4yr old boy when I found it, good job he didn't eh?

No joy. She was more interested in the bloke in the queue before me complaining that the hairdresser across the road from his house regularly blocks his driveway on a Friday when it's wheelie-bin day. On the tick-box form she described the item as a 'fancy pen-knife' & asked if I wanted to claim it after the lost-property reclaim period was up.

"Oh yes please! I've always wanted to take up street-fighting! Just ignore my previous conversation about how awful it is! Gimme a call when it's available. And don't give up your day job"

MISERABLE TROUT CONVERSATION RATING: 1/10. Very poor

Then I went to Burton Joyce Hospice Shop (very posh there) & the lady behind the counter completely refused to be drawn into a conversation about buttons & the demise of button-tins over the years. She also refused to see the amusing side of me finding a pair of men's Primark cotton boxer shorts in the tea-towel basket. I think she thought I was stealing things actually. She followed me round like a length of toilet-roll stuck in my knicker elastic.

BURTON JOYCE HOSPICE LADY RATING: 2/10. Could do better

Next stop Sherwood. Six charity shops there that I did the 'button conversation' test with.

SAVE THE CHILDREN LADY: 8/10. Helped me sort the buttons & engaged in general conversation about the weather & children.

MIND SHOP MANAGERESS: 6/10. Shared my interest in buttons but refused to be drawn into conversation about anything else. Didn't take on board the fact that a pair of pink, plastic handcuffs with the words 'Prisoner of Love' was in the children's toy-box section & that it was probably inappropriate.

THE NOTTS SCOUTS' CHARITY SHOP, MALE & FEMALE DOUBLE ACT:10/10. Chatted for about 15 minutes about anything & everything, helped me sort buttons, had many memories to share about button-tins they had known over the years & were wearing woggles. Perfect.

I nearly killed Kevin the cat today by kicking a Lidl carrier bag across the kitchen on my way to the kettle. How the bloody hell was I to know she was sleeping in it?

RANDOM ITEM NO.6

The top off a silver bicycle bell with a flower on top. When I was a kid I had a Magic Roundabout bell

IMAGINARY RELATIVES

Went to Colwick Racecourse car-boot sale as planned this morning. Fifteen furlongs of crap!

Actually, that's not quite true, I did get some bargains. A novelty, fingernail-clipper keyring in the shape of a violin, a pair of binoculars & some collectable pottery that's all been put on EBay.

I had a strange psychological experience as I wandering round looking for bargains to put up for sale. I actually felt REALLY GUILTY for buying things at a price that I knew was lower than the re-sell value. Ridiculous, I know, but it prompted me to invent a whole 'imaginary family tree' as follows.

"Ooooh that's a pretty plate! My Auntie Eileen collects things with birds/strawberries/windmills on them. How much is it?"

"Ooooh binoculars! My Uncle Gregory lost his last week when he went birdwatching in Lincoln. He'd LOVE those! How much are they?"

"Ooooh my gran's got that exact same teaset but she's broken a couple of the cups. She'd be thrilled to have them replaced! How much are they?"

It has to be said, my imaginary family tree is looking even better than my real one. I'm going to take Auntie Eileen with me next week as well - she did good.

I only bought one thing for myself (pats self on head) a biscuit tin full of buttons.

The rest of tonight will be taken up with sorting the buttons & asking myself searching questions: Shall I sort them into groups according to colour? Shall I sort them into groups according to size? Shall I group them into matching types? Why on earth would anyone want THAT stitched to their cardi?

Daisy came round briefly & we had a short, sharp argument about the disappearance of a tin of dogfood, 20 fags & a bottle of red wine last night. It wasn't her, obviously, so I've bollocked the dog instead for getting pissed up, smoking 20 Silk Cut Silver & then helping himself to a can of Bounce Chunks. He's sulking in his basket.

RANDOM ITEM NO.5

One of those carpet-covered tower things that people buy to encourage their cats not to scratch the furniture