My Dog Barks At Lemons

DARREN SCISSORHANDS

2007-11-19T09:56:00.000-08:00

Calling all fathers of children under the age of 10 yrs old!

All mothers of children under the age of 10yrs old have certain 'rules' about cutting their hair: This is the main one ..

NOT

CUT

YOUR

CHILD'S

HAIR!

This rule includes taking them to the hairdressers without prior permission from the mother & also attempting to do a Daniel Galvin at home with a butter-knife.

At school today we saw little Joe, Alfie's best mate. His dad decided last night that he needed a few 'layers' putting in his lovely locks. His mum was in tears & had booked an emergency appointment at the barber's. It really was a dreadful haircut - you could SEE the badly chopped layers of fringe (about 4 of them) glinting in the Autumnal sunshine.

I hope everything will be ok. at the school gates tomorrow.

RANDOM ITEM NO. 10

A paint roller

LOST WEEKEND

2007-11-18T08:36:00.001-08:00

Friday - Sunday:

One of my most important & valuable charity shop 'finds' (Paul - originally from Whitley Bay, now residing in London) has been up to stay for the weekend.

This is a picture of him on a balcony somewhere reading something - probably a Stanley Gibbons Stamp valuation catalogue, a Miller's Collectables Guide or the Dear Deirdre column in The Sun.

As well as the gaps in this blog, there are also gaps in my memory of the whole weekend & possibly large chunks of my liver in the back yard.

Keywords for the weekend: Champagne, Lulu, Marilyn Monroe, Lidl, IC Discounts, vodka, pear juice, charity shops, Wilko's, Nurofen Plus, full english breakfast/greasy spoon, novelty miniature plastic radios & garden porn.

I can't elaborate - I'm too hungover.

RANDOM ITEM NO. 9

My favourite so far: A shopping list left behind on the Co-Op counter yesterday afternoon.

Written on the back of a Rizla paper ...

Booze

Fanta Fruit Twist

Booze

Vodka

It could so easily have been our list from Friday night but it wasn't. I know this because they didn't have milk or dog-food on it.

LIDL RICHARD AND HIS BITCH DARREN

2007-11-15T05:38:00.001-08:00

Today was Lidl Day! I love Lidl on several counts: Bargains, unusual items & the guys on the check-out.

Richard & Darren were our check-out masters for today. Camp as Christmas & always up for a bit of banter.

As I went up to the tills they were arguing about the correct bar-code for a pomegranate & it looked like it was going to be handbags at dawn.

DARREN: 'Oh shut up! You wouldn't know a pomegranate from a sweet potato'

LIDL RICHARD: (To me) 'Oh take no notice of that bitch! He's 'on'. Now then missy, do you want our lovely brochure featuring our OUTSTANDING Christmas promotions? Ere, stick it in yer basket'

DARREN: 'Don't take anything off him, he's UNCLEAN'

The elderly couple at Darren's till really didn't know what to make of it all & busied themselves putting their obviously impulse purchase of 10 pineapples into carrier bags. That's another thing I like about Lidl - the way your brain just disobeys everything rational. I agree, 59p is a good price for a pineapple but really ........

Me & Paul went one day & the 'for one week only' range of strange goods was snorkelling equipment. Quite cheap it was too. Something you'd like to buy & stuff in the back of a cupboard because you neeever knooooooooooow (& besides, you've never seen flippers THAT cheap .... EVER) I irrationally puchased a sewing machine a few months ago. Can't even thread the damned thing & even if I could, I can't sew.

My favourite item has to be 'Gerodog' dogfood priced 64p. I like the brand-name. It sounds like a command! Presumably if you're buying dogfood you've already 'Goradog' though.

"HELP! WE'VE BEEN BURGLED!"

"GERODOG!"

RANDOM ITEM NO.8

Another television.

HOW CLEAN IS YOUR MOUSE?

2007-11-14T09:04:00.000-08:00

Decided to tidy the living-room today in an unprecedented move towards clean living.

I LOATHE housework ... it's all dusters, cleaning products & germ reduction. A waste of calories if you ask me.

Since the telly's in the living room I decided to switch it on for company. Lo & behold, there was an episode of 'How Clean is Your House' being broadcast to the whole nation .. or was it being broadcast ESPECIALLY FOR ME? Paranoia set in & with good reason.

Today's episode was devoted to a lovely lady called Rosie in London who hadn't cleaned her flat for 24yrs. She was addicted to crosswords & reading books instead of EVER bothering to do housework & obviously had a complete mental block about the whole thing (her dad was a Health Inspector apparently & according to Kim & Aggie would be turning in his grave)

I do like Kim & Aggie, they make me laugh. But really, this lady wasn't 'lazy' or 'slovenly' - she just had a genuine aversion to cleaning/tidying due to other issues. I could relate to her entirely & felt really quite sorry for her.

She kept her toothbrush & hairbrush in a cutlery drainer in the kitchen & seemed to genuinely not understand why it was a sin according to Kim & Aggie. I went straight into the kitchen & removed my toothbrush from the cutlery drainer & poured half a bottle of bleach into the sink.

As I watched Aggie merrily hoovering dust off Rosie's books (& Kim coming back to the show with some disturbing results from swabbing a plug-hole) I made a grim discovery in the corner next to the coal bucket: A decomposed mouse & a small, yet perfectly formed, cat-turd.

It's a sign from above, I know! Now is the time! I must do more crosswords & start reading again.

RANDOM ITEM NO. 8

The top off a pool table outside the Builder's Trades & Social Club. I NEARLY went back in the van to get it & then gave myself a good talking to. "Don't be bloody stupid woman, you've got no balls"

MY NAME IS BOND .. PREMIUM BOND ..

2007-11-13T07:46:00.000-08:00

.. and you've won 50 quid. Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick I suppose.

Went up to the allotment & did bugger all apart from sit in Ahmed's shed & listen to him chatter away for 2hrs. It's 'wood-burning stove' season & his shed was red hot. Honestly, he could grow pineapples in there.

Today's stories centred on his life in Pakistan as a boy & his aversion to shopping.

Apparently he hates shopping & last went to a supermarket in 1979 with his wife Maureen & vowed never to go ever again. As far as I know he's been true to his word.

As a boy he had a disabled pet chicken that couldn't walk properly. He used to hand-feed her & she lived for 12yrs. He was also addicted to raw eggs & stole a dozen a day from his mum's chicken-shed to feed his habit. Ended up at the doctor's with some sort of gastric complaint - no bloody wonder!

His younger brother is a champion pigeon-racer & so far this year he's won a motorbike, a washing machine & a horse. Quite good prizes if you ask me. If you won a pigeon race in the UK you'd probably get a manky brass cup & a Wilkos voucher. He's coming over to visit in December & I'm quite looking forward to it. You can't have too many Ahmeds!

RANDOM ITEM NO.7

A watermelon. Obviously escaped from the fruit display outside Pak-Foods. It had got quite far actually, all the way down to the Co-Op. I was in the van, otherwise I'd have picked it up.

CONVERSATION CONSERVATION

2007-11-12T10:35:00.000-08:00

Conversation conservation has been my mission for the day - prompted by the miserable trout on the Police reception desk this morning when I handed in the flick-knife.

I told her the story of where I'd found it etc & whilst she was doing the paperwork I tried to make small-talk: Who on earth is allowed to sell these things? Nasty-looking thing isn't it? I was with my 4yr old boy when I found it, good job he didn't eh?

No joy. She was more interested in the bloke in the queue before me complaining that the hairdresser across the road from his house regularly blocks his driveway on a Friday when it's wheelie-bin day. On the tick-box form she described the item as a 'fancy pen-knife' & asked if I wanted to claim it after the lost-property reclaim period was up.

"Oh yes please! I've always wanted to take up street-fighting! Just ignore my previous conversation about how awful it is! Gimme a call when it's available. And don't give up your day job"

MISERABLE TROUT CONVERSATION RATING: 1/10. Very poor

Then I went to Burton Joyce Hospice Shop (very posh there) & the lady behind the counter completely refused to be drawn into a conversation about buttons & the demise of button-tins over the years. She also refused to see the amusing side of me finding a pair of men's Primark cotton boxer shorts in the tea-towel basket. I think she thought I was stealing things actually. She followed me round like a length of toilet-roll stuck in my knicker elastic.

BURTON JOYCE HOSPICE LADY RATING: 2/10. Could do better

Next stop Sherwood. Six charity shops there that I did the 'button conversation' test with.

SAVE THE CHILDREN LADY: 8/10. Helped me sort the buttons & engaged in general conversation about the weather & children.

MIND SHOP MANAGERESS: 6/10. Shared my interest in buttons but refused to be drawn into conversation about anything else. Didn't take on board the fact that a pair of pink, plastic handcuffs with the words 'Prisoner of Love' was in the children's toy-box section & that it was probably inappropriate.

THE NOTTS SCOUTS' CHARITY SHOP, MALE & FEMALE DOUBLE ACT:10/10. Chatted for about 15 minutes about anything & everything, helped me sort buttons, had many memories to share about button-tins they had known over the years & were wearing woggles. Perfect.

I nearly killed Kevin the cat today by kicking a Lidl carrier bag across the kitchen on my way to the kettle. How the bloody hell was I to know she was sleeping in it?

RANDOM ITEM NO.6

The top off a silver bicycle bell with a flower on top. When I was a kid I had a Magic Roundabout bell

IMAGINARY RELATIVES

2007-11-11T08:09:00.001-08:00

Went to Colwick Racecourse car-boot sale as planned this morning. Fifteen furlongs of crap!

Actually, that's not quite true, I did get some bargains. A novelty, fingernail-clipper keyring in the shape of a violin, a pair of binoculars & some collectable pottery that's all been put on EBay.

I had a strange psychological experience as I wandering round looking for bargains to put up for sale. I actually felt REALLY GUILTY for buying things at a price that I knew was lower than the re-sell value. Ridiculous, I know, but it prompted me to invent a whole 'imaginary family tree' as follows.

"Ooooh that's a pretty plate! My Auntie Eileen collects things with birds/strawberries/windmills on them. How much is it?"

"Ooooh binoculars! My Uncle Gregory lost his last week when he went birdwatching in Lincoln. He'd LOVE those! How much are they?"

"Ooooh my gran's got that exact same teaset but she's broken a couple of the cups. She'd be thrilled to have them replaced! How much are they?"

It has to be said, my imaginary family tree is looking even better than my real one. I'm going to take Auntie Eileen with me next week as well - she did good.

I only bought one thing for myself (pats self on head) a biscuit tin full of buttons.

The rest of tonight will be taken up with sorting the buttons & asking myself searching questions: Shall I sort them into groups according to colour? Shall I sort them into groups according to size? Shall I group them into matching types? Why on earth would anyone want THAT stitched to their cardi?

Daisy came round briefly & we had a short, sharp argument about the disappearance of a tin of dogfood, 20 fags & a bottle of red wine last night. It wasn't her, obviously, so I've bollocked the dog instead for getting pissed up, smoking 20 Silk Cut Silver & then helping himself to a can of Bounce Chunks. He's sulking in his basket.

RANDOM ITEM NO.5

One of those carpet-covered tower things that people buy to encourage their cats not to scratch the furniture

HERE'S ONE I BROKE EARLIER

2007-11-10T06:28:00.001-08:00

In a bid to make millions on EBay I've been reading 'Miller's Collectables' books. To be honest I don't know why I torture myself doing this because the books are full of stuff I've broken.

Take this cup for example - a Midwinter 'Festival' design, quite rare. If you'd got the whole teaset comprising of 2 plates, 2 cups & saucers, teapot, milk jug and sugar basin, it would be worth about 350 quid. If you'd got a cup & saucer it would be worth 25 quid. I've got the cup .... broke the saucer. Net worth 5 quid. I'm going to sell it anyway, bollocks. Off to the car boot tomorrow to find a Troika vase for 50p.

Phoned mother to tell her that a Midwinter vegetable tureen she's got in her cupboard is worth 5 quid & she got quite snotty about it. "You can have it when I'm dead". Let's hope she lives a long & happy life & it escalates in value then. No skin off my nose.

I've also been Googling seeds for the allotment next year & trying to stop myself from buying heritage collections that I'm bound to kill.

I once looked into being a 'guardian' of heritage seeds - propagating them & saving seed to be sold on. The rules were pretty complicated: hand pollinate, keep away from other varieties etc. Decided against it in the end as it would be typical of me to be responsible for the demise of a 'rare bean'.

Maybe I'll just get all my seeds from Wilko's this year on the 'Buy One Get One Free' offer they have when it's far too late to plant anything.

RANDOM ITEM NO.4

Today's random item is a bit disturbing. On the way to the Co-Op with Alfie I spotted a vicious-looking, folding flick-knife in the grate outside The Jester (not unsurprisingly given the reputation of the pub)

I've been following the story of Meredith Kercher, the student murdered by her friends in Italy & feeling sick to the stomach by it. Seeing a flick-knife so obviously designed to be clipped to a belt, drawn quickly and cause maximum damage with a curved shape & serrated edge made me feel even sicker. I suppose if I was to think about it rationally, it might be a fisherman's knife and he dropped it accidentally. But outside The Jester? Maybe not.

NOEL EDMONDS' FACIAL EXPRESSIONS

2007-11-09T06:33:00.001-08:00

Another day at the allotment hedge cutting. I trimmed my heart-shaped bush & Ahmed attended in a supervisory capacity (for 'supervisory' read: 'No, no, no .. you're doing it all wrong') This is a picture of him doing it 'all right'.

Then Dario arrived & the boys went into the shed for the daily round-up of what happened on 'Deal or no Deal' the night before. There's something endearing about 80 yr olds discussing the amount in the box & the significance of Noel's facial expressions.

Not endearing enough to sit through the whole conversation though - it lasts longer than the actual programme & usually ends up with them all agreeing that it's a fix and they don't know why they bother watching it. I agree with the last bit.

Mother phoned to tell me Uncle Wilf had died. I have no recollection of who Uncle Wilf is/was but apparently his daughter Janet lives in Oban & is a marine biologist. Auntie Joyce is bearing up but she's been a little unsteady on her feet lately. His other daughter Linda is a teacher in Glasgow & apparently used to teach my cousin Jane's husband Naresh. Fascinating. Another 15 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

RANDOM ITEM NO.3

A mobile phone cord-thingy with the words 'Sex God' emblazoned all the way down it. Can't think who I can give it to, no-one is worthy. EBay?

THE CAT'S OUT OF THE BASKET

2007-11-08T06:43:00.000-08:00

Been to the vets this am. with Miserable Morgan for her booster jabs. On the way she managed to break out of the maximum security cat basket & hurtle round the inside the car for half a mile before I could stop in a lay-by.

When I finally managed to stuff her back in, she pissed on the sports section of The Observer. Remind me again why I have cats. I'm really a dog person.

Some nice people in the vets waiting room today:

A lovely lady whose pedigree, persian blue cat had diarrhoea - apparently her husband died last year and her mother bought her the cat as a replacement. It was one of those moments when you really didn't know what to say, so I settled on 'oh dear'. I think that covered all eventualities but you never can tell.

A delightful elderly couple with their overweight sheltie. They'd just been on holiday to Turkey and found it most pleasant, apart from the fact that the Turkish liked to 'haggle' & 'barter'.

The receptionist had a theory on haggling and bartering which went on for about 10 minutes: "Some people like to haggle & barter don't they? But some people don't. I like to haggle & barter. I like it! But some people don't"

She backtracked when I tried to get the consultation fee & some worming tablet half price though. Money where your mouth is and all that ...

Went to the allotment to get curly kale, leeks, herbs & the last of the potatoes. Grandad was there so I spent at least 2hrs hour in the shed listening to his stories about Newstead Village & the practical jokes he played at the pit. Couldn't have spent a better 2hrs if I'd tried.

Grandad doesn't like cats and they don't like him either. His response to me telling him I'd taken Morgan for her booster?

"The only booster our cats ever had was a boot up the arse" I can well believe it.

That's probably why a large tom-cat him & Momma had, circa 1962, lodged itself up the chimney & refused to come down. Grandad then stuck a stick up the chimney, the cat flew out & stuck itself to his back in a most ferocious manner. Can't fault the cat really.

To add the icing on the feline cake of the day, we were clearing out the greenhouse & I noticed a strange brown 'lump' of something on the perspex roof. It was a perfect coil of catshit! One of Ahmed's cats from the allotment next door had obviously left its own little birthday present for Grandad.

RANDOM ITEM NO.2

A television.

LET'S TRY AGAIN

2007-11-07T05:06:00.000-08:00

FIRST DAY'S BLOGGING ..

I've tried this before you know. I must have at least 4 blogs out there somewhere all with the 1st post as follows ....

TESTING, TESTING, TESTING

So far so good .. only forgotten my password once.

Today is Grandad's birthday so I've taken an unprecedented trip into town to buy pressies.

Bought him (and me) the Grow Your Own DVD. That's that random picture up there to the left by the way.

Also bought Minna a fairy costume from Jessops. I held it up to me at the checkout and asked the lady if she thought it would fit me.

"One of your arms maybe" CHEEKY MARE! I'm a dead ringer for a 7yr old! Mind you, so are my arms so she wasn't far wrong I suppose.

Thinking of things to write on blogs is a strange kettle of fish isn't it? On the way to pick Alfie up from school I decided to post a daily list of random things I find on the pavement

RANDOM ITEM NO.1

A chip fork.

Oooooooh I can see this blog is going to have over a million hits. Look out J.K. Rowling.